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Have you ever thought to yourself; “what the fuck am I doing? Or why I’m even here?”

I sit in my car for hours for days on end thinking that to myself. I sit and contemplate on everything, my relationship, my work, my school work. I have no fucking idea what I am doing here.

Being alone sucks, not in a context of a relationship but just being alone when there’s no one around. You start to drift and drown in a big ocean of “what ifs” or a big “why the fuck aren’t you doing what your suppose to be doing”

As much as I want to express my feelings to a person I just can’t. All I can do is cry, sit here and cry. For what? Failures, being afraid to fall on my face. Afraid of being alone.

I can’t begin to explain how much anxiety that over comes my body everyday. It’s a challenge everyday but it’s so simple to over come. When someone that means the world to me tells me something so simple as an
” I love you ” or ” I miss you ” it all goes away momentarily.

I just want to stay happy, but no matter what I do I can’t stay happy. I’m afraid I can’t stay happy or won’t be happy with my life. For the rest of my life. Or maybe I just haven’t experienced what true happiness is.

-C